She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
