He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
