Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
