I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We're too hungover to prance.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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