did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
