I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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