so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
