It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
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I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
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I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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