I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
