it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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