Swine flu is the new snow day.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
