the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
