Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
