omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I looked at my own cervix.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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