walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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