So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
