All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
