I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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