my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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