Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
