I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
