Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
