Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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