If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
