Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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