alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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