youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
