2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.