So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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