its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
