Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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