Ambien. No doubt about it.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
