WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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