I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
