Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
