One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
