i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Please don't give away my fajitas
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
