I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
