Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
as a side note pls kill me
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
