you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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