we made out on top of his cat.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
