She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
