Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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