Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
3pm strippers are depressing
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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