Sry I called you an 8
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
