i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
