If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
