You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
PANTIES FOUND
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
