My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
