U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
