Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
