Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Barsexuality is the new black.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Why is there bacon in the couch?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
