I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
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I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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