Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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