It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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